Today, its been 140 days since you left me. At every turn, I seem to see your name. In my sleep, I hear your voice telling me to move lower so my head doesn’t touch the wall. And when I wake up, I keep my eyes closed and stay in bed a little bit longer everyday so I can pretend you’re here next to me, like you were everyday for most of my life.
I eat breakfast everyday I’m home, remembering you always forced me to. My eyes fill up and tears run over at the mention of your name and the ache in my chest never seems to go. It feels like a nervousness but I can’t get rid of it. I’m jealous that you found a better place. The better place gets to have the sound of your loud giggle and I don’t.
I had to have this moment to confess that I’ve been searching my room endlessly for traces of you. I never find anything but I still search the next day too, wondering why I torture my soul like this. Your absence is so real. Its too real. I sit in crowded places and my mind drifts so far, its almost as though everybody fades away and I’m suddenly alone everywhere I go. When people distance themselves, it doesn’t hurt anymore. I’m still stuck on the fact that I lost you.
I should be sleeping but I keep sniffing my pillows to see if at least one still smells of you. All of these months make me wonder what time has in store for me. I said a million and one prayers for you everyday since you fell ill. But since they didn’t work to keep you with me, I know for a fact that they worked to bring me right where you are, to feel your hug even if its one last time. I miss you terribly.