Only Death Will Do Us Part

Every person, including me at some point, has nothing nice to say about death. The never-ending sadness at the thought of never seeing somebody or hearing their voices ever again, the huge gap that stays when everybody’s lives go back to normal and yours doesn’t and least of all, funerals are tiring.

I’m a lucky girl. Lucky in the sense that I’ve only lost very few close people to death. People that I can honestly say I love and miss everyday. Naturally, people will pass on their condolences. Some, solely out of respect, some to look like they are actually kind and others that genuinely care about how you feel. Of all the condolences I’ve ever gotten and/or received, the one I value most is, “they are in a better place.”

I sound so crazy when I say this, but I’m truly convinced that here where we are; Earth, this is hell. The older you get, the more burdens you carry everywhere with you, you bury all your loved ones and you get illnesses that just seem to make room for more when they leave. At some point, you forget what peace feels like… You forget what its like to wake up in the morning and not think about anything besides what to eat or what to watch. Your mind always worries because people die doing literally anything.

Also, the older you get, your quality of life deteriorates. It goes downhill after forty with physical health and mental health being the main issues. Everything aches, all the food you love can’t be eaten anymore, all your favourite activities can’t be done anymore, all your best friends are gone… But with time, you’ve become a rock to so many people that even when life is sad for you, you try so hard to hang on for fear that everything will fall apart when you finally make your exit. There’s always going to be one last thing you wanted to fix.

To say that I don’t fear death would be the understatement of the year. The thought scares me so much. I dream that I’m dying quite a lot and it makes me not want to sleep. However, losing a loved one scares me more. Of all the ‘luxuries’ people dream of in the world, immortality would always be right at the end of my list. The very end! Because nothing would hurt more than losing every single person that I learn to love.

Looking into somebody’s eyes, I wished I could take away their pain. I wished so hard that they could talk to me and say all the things they used to say before the parts of their mind that I loved so much faded away. I wished for so many things in the shortest space of time and only afterwards did I realise that if their lives ended, they would know peace. They would know a life without fear, pain or worry. That single reason makes me believe that they go to a better place.

Quality of life over quantity of life. Watching a person suffer every single moment you spend with them, knowing fully well that they will never bounce back, hurts a lot more than losing a person on the spot. I’m only learning this now and it hurts. A lot. I will break down and cry a million times before I ever speak of them normally after they leave us. After they leave ME! But hey… I guess some people are so awesome that even God misses them too much sometimes… And that’s okay.

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